Entries from October 2008

October 18, 2008

10 Steps to Guarantee Dirty, Nasty Glares of Disapproval from Fellow Saturday Afternoon Coffee Shop Patrons

1. Take up an entire table with your trendy Macbook, scone and delicious latte. Sharing is overrated. 
2. Go for a two-hour walk along the edge of Manhattan prior to arriving at the coffee shop. Get your heart rate up and work up a sweat – burn calories to earn your latte! Do not change clothes.
3. [...]

October 13, 2008

A few months’ notice

I’m no good at being a waitress. There, I admitted it. I don’t care if your food gets to you on time, I don’t care if you like your meal, and I don’t want to chit chat about what my favorite dish is, or gush about my recent celebrity sightings. I do try, but because [...]

October 4, 2008

I’m only going if it’s first class

A helicopter is circling above my apartment making quite a commotion, most likely looking for a  thief or a really successful hooker. If, by some small chance, it’s hovering in an attempt to kidnap me, I’d just like to make a public request for lots of cocktails (fine wine or fruity martinis) and a multitude [...]

October 2, 2008

Moron on the rocks

I was idling by the entrance of the Pit of Despair awaiting my next table and absentmindedly cracking my neck when a redneck accompanied by a gaggle of his sisters/girlfriends leaned towards me and said, “Be careful not to hurt yourself!” He then chuckled in appreciation of his own joke. I faked a probably not [...]

October 1, 2008

Overheard by Tink

Crackhead on the street, in between violent face scratching: “Work that ugly skidmark butt!”
I look around, meet his dry-eyed glare.
Crackhead: “Yeah, you! Ugly skidmark butt!”
That’s true. If one of the two of us has an ugly skidmark butt, Mr. Crackhead, it’s me.