October 2, 2008...4:14 am

Moron on the rocks

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I was idling by the entrance of the Pit of Despair awaiting my next table and absentmindedly cracking my neck when a redneck accompanied by a gaggle of his sisters/girlfriends leaned towards me and said, “Be careful not to hurt yourself!” He then chuckled in appreciation of his own joke. I faked a probably not too convincing smile. And of course, the hostess seated them right at my table. 

I went over and introduced myself, to which he responded by pointing his finger at the Hooters t-shirt he was sporting and said, “Nice to meet you, I’m one impatient bastard!” I reprised the fake smile.

“I’ll have a vodka Redbull,” he announced. 

“I’m sorry, we don’t carry Redbull,” I said, with a little too much satisfaction, I’ll admit.

He stared in disbelief.

“AAWWW, you been lookin’ forward to that all day!” sister/girlfriend #1 said. “What do you have instead,” she suggested with a self-satisfied and expectant look on her mug. 

Yes, ma’am, you’ve cracked my city slicker waitress code – I’m hiding a treasure trove of alternative brands of energy drinks just to be difficult. And you’ve cracked the code by asking what I have instead thus outsmarting my cosmopolitan ways.

“Yeah, we actually don’t carry energy drinks. We carry sodas…” (blank stares) “a full bar…” (head scratches) “beer and wine…” (exchanging of sighs of frustration) “coffee and tea…”

At this point I was just watching Miley Cyrus’s latest music video on the big screen and naming whatever liquids popped into my head. They definitely were not listening. It was all on the menu anyways. And they could read, right?

“That expresso, it’s got like a lot of caffeine, right?” the redneck asked.

“Yes, espresso is quite caffeinated.”

“Yeah, gimme one a those. With, what’s it called? Um….uh…. ask yer bartender. Expresso and this stuff called p-pa-parone! Yeah, parone.”

“What’s that?” sister/girlfriend #2 asked.

“Yeah, it’s ok you don’t know what it is. It’s like a real smooth tequila.”

“Patron?” I offered.

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Expresso and parone.”

“Sure thing, that will just take one minute.”

One minute to make. It’ll take about 7 minutes for me to repeat the tale of your idiocy to my friends in the back and  probably another 3 for us to properly enjoy it. 

Bottoms up!

1 Comment

  • that is potentially the most wonderful and disgusting thing i have ever read…rednecks don’t drink espresso!

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