Entries Tagged as ‘Every Day’

October 18, 2008

10 Steps to Guarantee Dirty, Nasty Glares of Disapproval from Fellow Saturday Afternoon Coffee Shop Patrons

1. Take up an entire table with your trendy Macbook, scone and delicious latte. Sharing is overrated. 
2. Go for a two-hour walk along the edge of Manhattan prior to arriving at the coffee shop. Get your heart rate up and work up a sweat – burn calories to earn your latte! Do not change clothes.
3. [...]

October 4, 2008

I’m only going if it’s first class

A helicopter is circling above my apartment making quite a commotion, most likely looking for a  thief or a really successful hooker. If, by some small chance, it’s hovering in an attempt to kidnap me, I’d just like to make a public request for lots of cocktails (fine wine or fruity martinis) and a multitude [...]

October 2, 2008

Moron on the rocks

I was idling by the entrance of the Pit of Despair awaiting my next table and absentmindedly cracking my neck when a redneck accompanied by a gaggle of his sisters/girlfriends leaned towards me and said, “Be careful not to hurt yourself!” He then chuckled in appreciation of his own joke. I faked a probably not [...]

October 1, 2008

Overheard by Tink

Crackhead on the street, in between violent face scratching: “Work that ugly skidmark butt!”
I look around, meet his dry-eyed glare.
Crackhead: “Yeah, you! Ugly skidmark butt!”
 
That’s true. If one of the two of us has an ugly skidmark butt, Mr. Crackhead, it’s me. 

June 27, 2008

Just like a free show

“One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.” -Franklin P. Jones
I sit in front of a very sweet, very caring very elderly secretary at my office. And everyday I consider sending her flowers, candy or a card as a thank you for the entertainment she provides me with throughout [...]

June 19, 2008

My cell phone is not a vibrator

I used to feel bad about sleeping on the train ride from peaceful New Jersey into neurotic Manhattan. I’d try to not do it at all in favor of reading or staring out the window, or if I had to do it I’d sleep really lightly to make sure I didn’t embarrass myself in front [...]

June 17, 2008

I Make Unwanted Friends

Strangers almost invariably try to make friends with me. And hey, I’m all for meeting new people: friends of friends, fellow party guests, your local grocer. Sure. But the strangers that try to befriend me are consistently, well, strange. 
Take today for example. I’m walking down my street on a beautiful morning, listening to Beck on [...]

June 10, 2008

But how come?

Life has presented me with many an enigma that I just let slide… I file it under “I’m never gonna figure this out” and move on. I feel it’s time to address at least one of these mysteries because it’s been taken to a new level.
Why, oh why, oh why do they build bathroom stalls [...]

May 28, 2008

S’mores!

Ah, Memorial Day. A long awaited excuse for a day off.
I woke up on this lovely Monday holiday much like I wake up on most days: brain swelling inside skull, sheets wrapped around legs, boyfriend mysteriously pinning my arm to my mattress.
Except then, like magic, I didn’t have to go to the dreaded work(s). I [...]

April 29, 2008

Last days of being a bum

“New York: The only city  where people make radio requests like “This is for Tina-I’m sorry I stabbed you.” -Carol Leifer

I’m sitting in bed, hours past bedtime, blogging away and drowning goldfish cracker after goldfish cracker with red wine. In my mouth. The only problem is that my supply of goldfish crackers is dwindling while [...]