Entries Tagged as ‘The City’

October 18, 2008

10 Steps to Guarantee Dirty, Nasty Glares of Disapproval from Fellow Saturday Afternoon Coffee Shop Patrons

1. Take up an entire table with your trendy Macbook, scone and delicious latte. Sharing is overrated. 
2. Go for a two-hour walk along the edge of Manhattan prior to arriving at the coffee shop. Get your heart rate up and work up a sweat – burn calories to earn your latte! Do not change clothes.
3. [...]

October 13, 2008

A few months’ notice

I’m no good at being a waitress. There, I admitted it. I don’t care if your food gets to you on time, I don’t care if you like your meal, and I don’t want to chit chat about what my favorite dish is, or gush about my recent celebrity sightings. I do try, but because [...]

October 4, 2008

I’m only going if it’s first class

A helicopter is circling above my apartment making quite a commotion, most likely looking for a  thief or a really successful hooker. If, by some small chance, it’s hovering in an attempt to kidnap me, I’d just like to make a public request for lots of cocktails (fine wine or fruity martinis) and a multitude [...]

October 1, 2008

Overheard by Tink

Crackhead on the street, in between violent face scratching: “Work that ugly skidmark butt!”
I look around, meet his dry-eyed glare.
Crackhead: “Yeah, you! Ugly skidmark butt!”
 
That’s true. If one of the two of us has an ugly skidmark butt, Mr. Crackhead, it’s me. 

June 19, 2008

My cell phone is not a vibrator

I used to feel bad about sleeping on the train ride from peaceful New Jersey into neurotic Manhattan. I’d try to not do it at all in favor of reading or staring out the window, or if I had to do it I’d sleep really lightly to make sure I didn’t embarrass myself in front [...]

April 29, 2008

Last days of being a bum

“New York: The only city  where people make radio requests like “This is for Tina-I’m sorry I stabbed you.” -Carol Leifer

I’m sitting in bed, hours past bedtime, blogging away and drowning goldfish cracker after goldfish cracker with red wine. In my mouth. The only problem is that my supply of goldfish crackers is dwindling while [...]

February 22, 2008

Voila

“You can’t teach people to be lazy—either they have it, or they don’t.” –Dagwood Bumstead of Blondie
Ok, reader(s?). By now I think we’ve discovered together (me through writing, you through reading, in the loosest sense of the word) that my every day laziness absolutely transfers to my blogging style. I haven’t posted in…well, quite a [...]

February 7, 2008

It Doubles as a Rice Krispie Treat Holder

Today New York City forcibly beat the shit out of me with its cold, hard fists. Any New Yorker can tell you that once in a while, well, the city just does that. Just when you finally get a day off, your ambition takes over and you think, “Today is errand day! I’m going to [...]